I Am Not Sorry
Published in Bouncin’ and Behavin’ Blogs
I Am Not Sorry
Stop Apologizing Before You Diminish Yourself Into Oblivion
I confess. I AM one. That is a host of (mostly) women, who over-apologize A LOT.
Here’s a list of the most dumb-ass things for which I apologized today:
To my husband, for not having time to walk the dog. He wasn’t doing anything of supreme importance, I promise.
Asking for help from the gas station attendant because the machine wasn’t accepting my card.
At the grocery store for not bringing my own bag.
On the pickleball court when I missed my serve.
When I stopped to take off my jacket between games.
For changing my mind about the nail polish color before it was applied.
Asking for help in getting my shoes on, after my pedicure.
When I asked for a plastic straw at the juice bar. (Paper straws, geez!)
9. To the post office worker when I had to look up an address on my cell.
10. To my dog, for not taking her on a late afternoon walk!
Clearly, I have reached the tipping point. No, I’m far beyond that. What is wrong with me? I am a strong, confident, assertive woman or so I thought until I tried this little experiment today.
How demeaning and enlightening it was: I am pathetic! I’ve developed this “sorry” habit by default. I am NOT a healthy role model for my daughters or granddaughters.
I read all I could find on the subject and discovered I am not alone! Scores of research prove my point. Kate Medina, an Australian journalist, and digital producer, wrote an insightful, in-depth, article on the subject.
In her piece, she opened with the Miss Americana documentary on Taylor Swift, interviewed by Lana Wilson. At one point Swift paused and apologized: “Sorry, that was a real soapbox,” she said before correcting herself again — “Why did I say I’m sorry? Ugh!”
Off camera, director Lana Wilson was heard saying: “It’s because we’re trained to say sorry.”
And that is exactly the point, or the question: Is saying sorry something women are trained to do? Though it did make Swift relatable, it begs the question: How will the rest of us fair? If, Taylor Swift, in a documentary ABOUT HERSELF, with all her successes, says, “I’m sorry!”
According to Rachel Green (The Emotional Intelligence Institute), “Yes, and it's a conundrum women have been stuck in since the Middle Ages. In England, women used to have a horrible metal implement, locked on their head for speaking out in public, or for arguing with their husbands, and then paraded through the villages.”
It was known as the Scold’s Bridle and of course, its purpose was to humiliate women. I ride horses and I know the purpose of a bridle; it’s used for control.
Green continued, "Non-verbally we have had this attitude passed down from one generation to another." I agree. When we speak our minds, we are often considered, pushy or bitchy. Whereas, a man would be called a leader.
Speaking of men, several studies have been conducted on the subject of whether men say they're sorry less often than women. In my own experience, men apologize far less often.
In a widely referenced study by Karina Schumann and Michael Ross, they found: “Rather than men, being reluctant to apologize, men and women simply have different ideas about which behaviors constitute an apology.”
Upon conducting two separate studies, Schumann and Ross found that "women reported offering more apologies than men, but they also reported committing more offenses.” I concur with their findings which suggest that men apologize less frequently than women, “because they have a higher threshold, for what constitutes offensive behavior."
In other words, women are more likely to think that sharing an opinion, or asking someone (politely) to move out of the way, is cause for an apology; men do not!
In Time magazine, Jessica Bennett wrote: “The impulse to apologize is part of the same skill set that allows women to work more collaboratively than men." (Time, June 18, 2014) The problem with the modern-day apology is that it's rarely an apology at all.
Bennett further states, “We’re not sorry to be asking a question, we’re simply trying to be polite. We're trying to make a statement, a direct one, without being deemed bossy, or too aggressive." Sorry is another way of downplaying, of softening what we do, to seem proper, and of course: nice.
Sociologist Maja Jovanovic referred to this rhetoric in the workplace as "confidence killers." In her TEDx Talk, Jovanovic said: "Apologies matter, but if you are beginning and ending your sentences with sorry, don't be surprised if there's nothing left of your confidence at the end of the day."
Every time we give a needless or useless apology, we are giving our power away. I’ve seen young women, subconsciously apologize for their actions in their physicality, as well.
Ms. Green recounted: "I went to a presentation, where a woman was talking about something really important, but everything about her body apologized for being there… she wrapped her legs around herself, she hung onto the table, she squeezed herself in, apologizing for taking up space."
When Ms. Green told her what she observed, the woman said, she “felt like she didn't have a right to be there.” She'd been invited to speak! Yet she was making herself invisible. Have you ever seen a man do that?
End IT Now! STOP using SORRY as your default!
What to say INSTEAD? How to RESPOND in new ways? (Hint: Grateful)
When you ask for help: “Thank you for helping me.”
If you’ve whined and complained: “Thanks for listening.”
3. When you realize you’ve monopolized a conversation: “Thanks for being my friend.”
4. How about just “excuse me” in any number of situations?
5. If you want something not offered: “I’d prefer a plastic straw.” (I can’t believe I apologized for that today!)
It makes the other person feel better too. Okay, you get the idea. No more needless apologies. Save a real apology so that it’s meaningful.
For a great laugh, watch this!
